Life
Porto, Porto…
Foreword...
Just a little bit of a pre-warning, this post is a tad ‘off-brand’ for me… It’s part travel photo essay, part internal emotional dialogue. I’m not sure that many of you will like it. After I wrote it, I went through a period of indecision as to whether to post it at all. But I felt it was important to put it out there, particularly after chatting with a few friends who are also going through tough times at the moment. As ‘World Mental Health Day’ falls on this week, I thought what better moment than now.
Importantly, almost immediately after I wrote this (in early September on my iPhone Notes app, on the plane back to London) I felt a cathartic release. Since then I have been, day-by-day, feeling better and more grounded. Sometimes you’ve just got to burst that toxic bubble and let it go, in whatever form that might take. So here it is, I hope you enjoy it, but if you don’t?… Well frankly, that’s not really all that important in this instance. Stay tuned for normal broadcasting in the future.
My illconceived relationship with Porto
Porto, Porto…
I really wanted to fall head over heels in love with you… but I didn’t.
Despite hearing so many wonderful things, things that I normally love about a new place.
I liked you but I didn’t love you. And sometimes, I have to be honest, I kind of detested you.
The whole time I was exploring you, this conflict of appreciation confused me.
Though to be honest, I’m more than a little grumpy at the moment. So I guess it’s one of those ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ moments.
My travels around Porto felt like that sore part of your gum, that you know you shouldn’t touch but you keep poking with your tongue anyway.
There’s no running from the truth…
I think I ran away to Porto and expected that being there, would fix how I was feeling.
But that’s a pretty big ask of a city.
Travel is a big part of my life and travelling does often make me feel ecstatically happy, usually followed by a huge wave of peacefulness.
But normally I’m already feeling pretty content.
The truth is, at the moment I am discontent, continually dipping my toes into the territory of unhappiness.
It’s okay to not feel happy
And you know, that’s alright.
I can still be okay and unhappy.
I can still find myself laughing, smiling and being kind hearted.
You can still find touchstones of joy in periods of unhappiness.
It just also means that I am frequently snappish, judgemental and confusingly close to tears.
I think it’s important to acknowledge this, to not try and suppress it or smother these emotions with distractions.
You can usually find truths in silence.
Time to get messy
Unfortunately we live in a world that is uncomfortable with ‘negative’ emotions.
So that’s a struggle in itself.
How do you wade through turbulent times without stepping on anyone’s else’s toes or ruffling feathers.
But these feelings which are bubbling up are not stemming from nothing, there must be a source.
That source might be minor, an easy fix…
Or it might be something more major, a wellspring that will take more time to correct the flow.
Heck it could be a whirlpool of lots of tiny little things, and I’ll need to spend time sorting out the chaos of it all!
But I guess I need to start looking for the source and find meaningful progress to change, rather than change as a distraction.
Change? I’d rather not.
Come to think of it, there’s been a lot of change in my life at the moment that has been completely out of my control.
So it’s no wonder I’m feeling a little adrift.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is forgive yourself, for not feeling like the very best version of yourself.
And then maybe, one day soon, I’ll go back to Porto and see it with fresh eyes.
Because you know there were times Porto, where you were truly beautiful, and I’m thankful for that.
So thankful.
Mimi xx
